Blacklidge

Another brick of sorrow

Recently one of our favorite aunts passed away. We had just traveled to Wisconsin for her 83 birthday and 65th wedding anniversary blow out. Luckily we did because we saw her in the the picture of health! She was a happy, healthy 83 year old. So, the end came suddenly and she was gone. No suffering, no prolonged battles with any horrid disease. She led a pretty good life, that one. Her treasured son-in-law had passed on last July, after a terrible battle with cancer. This family has been through hell this year and is, I know, praying for the end of the year to happen as soon as possible. There isn't much chance of a nice family such as theirs having another year as bad as this. It boggles my mind. I think shock has pretty much set in for our cousin. As it was this summer though, she has a family of four great children that rally round and support her. Here she is, looking about as happy as she could be, at her party in September. I had to cut her family out, as they were in all of my photos as a tight family unit!

Fellow traveler, we'll miss you as you go.

Part of the problem with being agnostic or atheist is the fact that when you need someone to pray to, you're in a pickle. One of my favorite cousins is not doing well and I wish I could do something constructive to help him or to help his family. There really isn't anything anyone can do and we're both very low about the situation. It occurred to me that I should pray but throughout my life, I have done nothing to set up a formula for praying.  No basis in religion, does that mean I can look to the pagans? Or who? Will my thinking about the man, reliving good times and aspects of his life make his passage any easier for him? Or for me?  How can he possibly know what a wonderful person he is and has been, despite being a little curmudgeonly about life, for everyone around him? He's not gone yet, but the miles and his pain make him removed from our lives.I dread looking at emails these days, something that I normally hurry to do each morning. I guess I can say I am praying. Praying for a peaceful end, praying for no more pain. It goes out into the ether and, if there is someone or something for the prayers to reach, I pray that they will go to the right place. 

Sentimental Journey

I haven't been so sad since I left Denver, now nearly ten years ago. There was crying, oh, yes. There was hugging, yes, of course. Leaving my position today was hard, only because of the fabulous family I have acquired there. Friends like these I thought were for the very young. I left a raft full of them in Denver and I haven't seen very many of them in a long, long time. Today, my sadness was tempered by the fact that these wonderful folks from my Tucson life are my neighbors and almost all of them are up for lunch at any given time. I may run into them at the grocery store or see them driving by. Still, it was sad. I really have never felt more love from people besides my family. It amazes me that in this world of turmoil and strife there can be so many caring, open-hearted people. As more and more good people leave that place, the remaining staff can feel the empty hallways echoing. It is them that I feel regret for, but it will be okay, as I kept telling them today. It will be okay, for them and for me.

is there fun in dysfunction?

Not really in mourning, but I couldn't think of a better category and it sort of fits. I have found myself, more than a couple of times, in small, dysfunctional companies, usually for a long stretch of time. I know that they seem to be that way from the time I walk into the front door. I wonder, sometimes, if I may be looking for the big, revolving " D" that signifies that there may be some issues amiss within the building. I once worked for the cutest, little couple. I was still in Denver then and they were lifelong business people in the area. I worked for them for two years and I learned so much about sales and how wholesale to retail business works. I have used that two year experience all of my working life, to my advantage. The couple, though cute, were so dysfunctional, it was sort of surreal. Looking back, I realize that if I had been obligated to stay with them for some reason, I would have been certifiable in a couple of more years. They weren't even the first of my experiences into slightly skewed realities, but they were the most effective at sucking me in. Since then, I have run into many people like them, not always stuck in the middle of it, but always able to pick up the vibe that indicates, "warning, trouble here, warning".

So now I wind up my latest expedition into a slightly skewed relationship, no worse for the wear. Though I have been at this post for almost 4 years, it would be hard to top my original tormentors, I always remind myself of that. Am I more sensitive to this sort of problem or is there just a lot of it out there? Hard to say. Most often, I go away thinking, "if only". If only I could fix this problem or that problem, it would be better for everyone. Hey, can you say, "Co-Dependent"?

Sid Vicious

Sid vicious, born early 1997, seems to have left the building. I don't have the feeling that he is dead, but he must be or he would have come home last night, as usual. Of course, many things could be detaining him but he always came home and slept with us at night. Wow, I'm hovering at about three steps from throwing myself on the ground and shrieking at the top of my lungs. I'm not going to do that yet, that is too much like giving up on him. I don't want to give up yet, for he is truly one of the finest friends I've ever had. My family is dwindling, I'm down to one cat and one doggie. Very sad,